Life Manual

We -- I mean, us humans -- have been around for a long time now. So, why is it that no one's come up with a Life Manual yet?

You know like, "Chapter 1: Now that you're old enough to read, keep the chewing gum away from your hair."

I know there are millions of self-help books, but why isn't there like a mother of all self-help books? One which will tell you that you're OK and everybody's OK, all the while encouraging you to become a millionaire AND listing out steps on how you can fight fair with your spouse but still be prepared to fight on the same topic at least 74 times more.

A friend just put up a status update wondering whether he should spend a couple of hundred dollars that he doesn't really have to get documents that "might" land him a job. This is what I'm saying. How do you know what to do?

There is talk of "follow your gut instinct" in the same breath as suggestions of "make an excel sheet with the pros and cons and then decide." I will have you know that excel sheets and gut instincts are often arch enemies and by giving me those suggestions, you have not solved my problem but have given me another one -- should I follow my gut instinct or believe the excel sheet?

The more enlightened friends recommended "The Secret" to me. While I'm all for believing in the Law of Attraction and visualizing my success before having achieved it, my bigger question is why is this still a secret?? Why isn't it like Newton's three laws of motion?

Law 1: Think positive thoughts, and positive experiences and people will catch trains and planes to get to you as soon as possible.

Law 2: Imagine your are already successful and one day you'll wake up a business tycoon.

Law 3: Believe in yourself and screw what others say.

The more religious ones say that "all" is explained in various religious texts. But I'm not talking the "It is God's will" and "Focus on your task and not the fruit" variety. I mean the "If you don't know whether to listen to your Mom or your brain, turn to page 37."

How many times should you forgive a person before he (or she) is declared unforgivable? Will I sleep better at night if I take up a job that pays me loads of money or one that pays me peanuts (pun unintended) to read comic books? If I can't make a decision right now, what is the right amount of time I should keep the decision aside before labeling myself an escapist?

In Math class, when I'm figuring out the value of X, how do I know if it's worth my time at all to worry about X or should I just turn the page and talk to Y instead?

I know "life's all about the journey" and "we make mistakes so that we can gain experience" but come on…when my boss is yelling at me because he's upset that an idiot rear-ended his car, I'm not thinking about my life's journey, I'm thinking "how the hell do I get through this day without punching someone's lights out?".

For all those who will recommend that I sit down to create the afore-mentioned Life Manual, I'm too busy meditating so that I can "let go of all material attachments and become more at peace with my inner consciousness."