Love? Really?

It was one of those days when there's nothing to do except flip through TV channels. Wait, my mistake, I mean surf TV channels. So while I was surfing, glimpses of various movies and soaps caught my eye.

I noticed that we've come a long way from the flower-kissing, birds-pecking intimate scenes, yet one thing remains the same. Girls and boys, men and women STILL apparently fall in love simply by looking at a person of their preferred gender.

Does that really happen? Can one actually fall in love by just watching someone for a few days, by sharing a few smiles and stolen glances?

Think about it. What exactly have you come to love about the person in those few moments? The way he/she looks? The way he/she smiles? The way he/she dresses? Walks? For simplicity, let's say you find the person physically appealing.

What else can you love about a person by watching them? Maybe the fact that they are watching you back gives you an ego boost and so you love "how the person makes you feel." You love that the person make you feel attractive.

Anything else you can put down on the list of what you love about your prospective mate? I wouldn't be surprised if the list ends sooner than you'd hoped. 

The eternal debate about whether cinema apes life or life is influenced by cinema stands valid here, too. I'm not sure whether movies and TV serials show people falling in love at first (or third or fifth) sight because people everywhere believe in it or whether people believe it because they see it everywhere on mass media.

Whatever be the root cause, the assumption that all it takes is a tingly feeling to make love last is not doing us any good. Look around you. Relationships are breaking, divorces are rampant, unhappy couples are everywhere.

Why? People say we have become less tolerant. Sure, we have. We've become impatient. True. 

But what's also happened is that our real selves and our beliefs about what love is haven't kept pace with each other. Our expectations from a relationship have gone up, our awareness about what we want has improved, even our assertiveness for getting what we want is at its peak. Yet, somewhere, we have failed to let go of the romantic notion that love is all about the heart thumping loud. We refuse to accept that loving someone also needs the mind to resonate with what the heart is shouting out loud.  

Because love…by its very nature…is not transient. Love stays. You cannot love someone one day and get so mad at them the next day that you throw acid at them or chop them up into little pieces. 

I'm not saying that physical attraction or short-term relationships are a farce. They

are heady, fulfilling and beautiful until they last. But please stop calling them love! 

Love doesn't begin a relationship. The relationship leads up to love. 

Love takes time. Love takes effort. Love takes going through the horrible phase of endless fights when you realise that there are actual facets to the other person's personality that you weren't aware of and maybe are not completely in sync with. Love needs for you to go through the emotional upheaval that comes when the relationship gets past the honeymoon stage and you learn there is so much more that you need to invest of yourself.

Until you and your relationship get a chance to grow, love cannot exist. And when love happens, it's often not with a bang, but with a sweet, honey-like feeling that oozes inside you. And you just know that you're okay.

Don't be afraid that because you or your partner don't call each other 10 times a day or shower each other with kisses at every possible moment, the relationship is coming to an end. It might just mean that there is no longer any hurry. There is no fear of now or never. You love each other so much that you are a constant in each other's life. 

Love is not about possessing or chasing or wanting or demanding. Love just is. 

The New and Upgraded Social Life

I woke up as usual. Snoozing the alarm twice, squeezing in some last minute dream sequences.

Finally blinked my eyes open and reached out for my cellphone for a quick check of missed calls and messages. Clicked on Facebook to peek at what the rest of the world had been up to while I had been sleeping. It didn't connect. Apparently, my Wi-fi hadn't woken up with me. I didn't give it much thought, lazed around a while longer and got on with my day.

Later in the afternoon, I rang up a friend. I hadn't spoken to her in a couple of months. She told me that she had just put the baby to sleep. Baby? Isn't your daughter almost two now? She told me that she was talking about her second child. What?? When? I know how! But why didn't you tell me?? She innocently remarked, "But I had put it up on Facebook!"

After our conversation, I sat down and mulled over what had just happened. I missed out on my friend having a baby because I had skipped a post on Facebook. Try as I might, I could not get comfortable with that thought.

I logged on to my Facebook account and scrolled through my friend's Wall posts. Sure enough, there it was -- her announcement to the world that she had been blessed with a son. Peppered with about a score of congratulatory comments. I was intrigued by the fact that not only had she chosen Facebook to deliver the news (pun intended), most of her acquaintances had chosen to congratulate her in public rather than make one small personal call asking how she and the baby were doing. If I had seen the post, my comment might've been there, too.

I trawled through other people's Walls, (including my own) and realized that we had all also chosen to wish each other a happy birthday through this impersonal space. It didn't bother any of us that we didn't speak to our "friends" on their special day.

Despite being reasonably active on social networking sites, it was just dawning on me that this, which was supposed to just an additional medium of communication, had slowly snuck up on me and become my entire social life.

More trawling. The dawn brightened into daylight. Did I just say "impersonal" space? I now know more about a friend's exercise routine than I would ever have cared to. I also know that another friend is missing her husband so much that she's finding it difficult to get through the night alone. And I always thought such things belonged in love letters. Silly me. Well, I guess it beats husbands wishing their wives Happy Anniversary on Facebook (no kidding). The online equivalent of PDA? Maybe. 

Speaking of friends, I apparently have 234. So why am I sitting alone at home most evenings? Shouldn't at least one of the 234 be available to spend some time with me? We are "friends" after all. But here's the thing. The word "friend" no longer means someone you have something in common with and share a comfortable relationship with. It's someone you know. Period. I guess that makes an acquaintance “someone you have made eye contact with briefly”.

But it's not all bad. For one, you have your very own mass media channel. Instead of spending a lot of time with one person getting to know a lot about him or her, you now get to know a little about a lot of people everyday.

Which, over time, accumulates into knowing a lot about a lot of people, I guess. I'm not quite sure my brain is okay with that kind of information overload. Especially when it's about baby massages and the number of times someone's at the airport -- boarding, landing, at security check, checking in....(no offence meant to any of my “friends”).

The "whose status update is the wittiest" undercurrent seems no different from the "who's dressed the best today" torture of college days. I now need to have a comment-worthy status, along with a like-worthy photograph on a regular basis. I now also need to make sure that any and every photograph taken of me anywhere is fabulous because it WILL find it's way online and no matter how quick you are to de-tag, there will always be that ONE person who will have seen it before you and launched the comments countdown. Performance anxiety is no longer restricted to the bedroom, my friend. 

With the latest introduction of a live feed of your friend's activities, I can subscribe to my friend as I would a to a newspaper. Interesting. I wonder if they'll soon have realtime updates like "XYZ just sneezed" and "ABC just rolled over".

Recently, there was news about a groom Facebooking (the editor in me cringes at this verb) live during his wedding.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but if I was in his place, I would rather live the moment, breathe in the ambience, catch the candid moments and create lifetime memories for ME rather than create status updates for others…updates that will soon be discarded as just another news snippet in the sea of social information.

Excuse me, while I post this article on Facebook.

Life Manual

We -- I mean, us humans -- have been around for a long time now. So, why is it that no one's come up with a Life Manual yet?

You know like, "Chapter 1: Now that you're old enough to read, keep the chewing gum away from your hair."

I know there are millions of self-help books, but why isn't there like a mother of all self-help books? One which will tell you that you're OK and everybody's OK, all the while encouraging you to become a millionaire AND listing out steps on how you can fight fair with your spouse but still be prepared to fight on the same topic at least 74 times more.

A friend just put up a status update wondering whether he should spend a couple of hundred dollars that he doesn't really have to get documents that "might" land him a job. This is what I'm saying. How do you know what to do?

There is talk of "follow your gut instinct" in the same breath as suggestions of "make an excel sheet with the pros and cons and then decide." I will have you know that excel sheets and gut instincts are often arch enemies and by giving me those suggestions, you have not solved my problem but have given me another one -- should I follow my gut instinct or believe the excel sheet?

The more enlightened friends recommended "The Secret" to me. While I'm all for believing in the Law of Attraction and visualizing my success before having achieved it, my bigger question is why is this still a secret?? Why isn't it like Newton's three laws of motion?

Law 1: Think positive thoughts, and positive experiences and people will catch trains and planes to get to you as soon as possible.

Law 2: Imagine your are already successful and one day you'll wake up a business tycoon.

Law 3: Believe in yourself and screw what others say.

The more religious ones say that "all" is explained in various religious texts. But I'm not talking the "It is God's will" and "Focus on your task and not the fruit" variety. I mean the "If you don't know whether to listen to your Mom or your brain, turn to page 37."

How many times should you forgive a person before he (or she) is declared unforgivable? Will I sleep better at night if I take up a job that pays me loads of money or one that pays me peanuts (pun unintended) to read comic books? If I can't make a decision right now, what is the right amount of time I should keep the decision aside before labeling myself an escapist?

In Math class, when I'm figuring out the value of X, how do I know if it's worth my time at all to worry about X or should I just turn the page and talk to Y instead?

I know "life's all about the journey" and "we make mistakes so that we can gain experience" but come on…when my boss is yelling at me because he's upset that an idiot rear-ended his car, I'm not thinking about my life's journey, I'm thinking "how the hell do I get through this day without punching someone's lights out?".

For all those who will recommend that I sit down to create the afore-mentioned Life Manual, I'm too busy meditating so that I can "let go of all material attachments and become more at peace with my inner consciousness."

Perils of a freelancer

I've been working as a freelance writer for about a year and a half now. I survived (yes, freelancing initially is all about barely surviving, but more on that another time) the initial phase more or less through a regular project, which helped earn just enough to pay my monthly bills -- sometimes a wee bit extra. I pride myself on having managed my finances pretty well during that period.

However, as do most good (and bad) things. the project came to end. I was lucky enough to get a couple of other tiny, non-time-consuming, fairly simple projects to help me get by. When I was done with those, my dad offered me pay for doing some work in one of his varied MLM ventures. Life was good.

Then, I decided to take a break and help my brother out in the making of his new movie (I intended to actually just tag along, but the sibling made me work). That lasted for about a month and soon after I disappeared to Mumbai to sit in on the edit -- another 3 weeks or so. I was expecting at least 2 new writing projects when I came back home

When I returned home, filled with the euphoria that is movie making, I happened to peek into my bank account. Rs. 18, 355. Okay. I'll still be able to make my car EMI, monthly insurance premium and mobile bill, due in 5 days. But let's not forget I'd spent 3 weeks in Mumbai, not to mention the cost of my air tickets, which was so far happily residing in my credit card bill.

I turned to dad. He said the MLM thingy had gotten into some trouble so no more pay. Project no.1 got canceled and I had to return the advance payment made to me (Rs. 12,950). Project no. 2 would start after a week. I was left with Rs. 5,405. There weren't enough paper bags around for me to hyperventilate into.

How could I have forgotten the two irritating golden (and unwritten) rules of freelance work?? 1) You don't have work till you actually start working. 2) You work now and the income cycle starts at least 2 months later.

So I decided to do what most broke people do. Take a loan. From dad. Now, that might not be such a big deal for most people after all it's all in the family. But for me…remember my pride in the first paragraph? Cringing inwardly till my intestines ached, I asked dad to please cover my expenses for this month and I would repay him as soon as my next payment came through. (I wasn't fibbing. I was expecting a small payment for work I had done TWO months earlier).

Dad agreed without much ado. Relief. Next step, pushing for contract of Project no. 2. Irritating golden rule number 3 of freelancing is that you have to be pushy beyond pushiness. Whether it is to get work or ask for money (never mind that it is rightfully yours).

So, I began pushing. Appointment to sign the contract -- done. Next, follow up to get pending cheque. I make the call and get to know that my payment cheque cannot be signed because…wait, you need to savor this…because the CEO has TENNIS ELBOW and cannot sign cheques right now, so I will have to wait a while. I actually went to the extent of asking if her thumbprint wouldn't be enough for the cheque. I was, understandably, laughed at.

I made other frantic calls -- asking for work, reminding people I existed. I updated my LinkedIn profile, joined freelance writing and editing groups online. And waited.

While I waited, I evaluated my situation. Dues: Loan from Dad; next month's bills. Sources of possible income: Pending cheque; income from Project 2.

The contract for Project 2 got signed, work began but I could raise an invoice only after a month of work and the payment would take another 20-25 days to come through. Okay, so that was out.

I evaluated some more. I couldn't earn, but could I cut costs? Can't do nuts about car EMI or insurance premium. Mobile bill. Hmmm.

First step, switch from Blackberry unlimited services plan (Rs. 599/month) to GPRS plan (Rs. 198/month). Second, make sure I pick up all calls so I don't have to call anyone back. If call disconnects, wait for the other person to call (sounds cheap I know, but all's fair in love and brokeness). Third, stay connected through Facebook, Whatsapp and other free tools because you can't afford not staying connected -- how will people know you need work?

What other expenses could I cut down on? Plead insufficient funds while out on a movie with folks and let them pay for everything. I don't socialize much, so not much to cutback here.

What else? Personal grooming. Yikes! More hyperventilation. Hold on, there must be some way of spending less, yet not resembling the Yeti. Replace getting waxed with shaving (It's just for a couple of months, I told myself. How much damage can a razor do to your skin in two months? You're young, it'll recover!). Do your manicure and pedicure at home (Yes, it's possible). Pluck what you would normally thread.

How else was I letting precious moolah slip out of my hands? What was in my shopping list? Shampoo. And conditioner. You should know that I have, at least once, tried every shampoo out there in the market. That most of them don't suit my hair, is another story, but I always, always try. So, what I have around my room are a variety of half-filled shampoo bottles. And a couple of odd tubs of conditioner. I swear I heard my hair sigh when I decided to just finish off those leftover shampoos and give the conditioner a skip every now and then. My hair have now forgiven me and I still have one more leftover bottle to experiment with so the shampoo shopping can wait at at least another 2 weeks. Yay!

Okay, so I was all cost-cut. Now what? Followed up the tennis elbow cheque again and I was grateful that they sent it. I wasn't quite as grateful, however, to my bank, which misplaced the cheque after I deposited it. More pushing, this time to find the goddamn elusive cheque.

To cut a long story short, almost 3 weeks after my return from Mumbai, the cheque was found and cleared. And I breathed a deep breath. I could now (with Rs. 1,125 to spare) pay my EMI, insurance premium and mobile bill. Dad's loan could wait another month. But (there's always a but) a very polite phone call soon told me that it is going to be a year since I bought my car (congratulations) and it's time to renew my car insurance. Aaaaaaaaghhhh!

Now, I was roughly Rs. 4,000 short, with 2 weeks to go for the car insurance renewal. I had no more money coming in and was dreading asking Dad for some more. I sat back and left it to the universe. Gimme a miracle.

The miracle happened. In the midst of all this nonsense, an old gentleman all the way from Seattle, USA, happened to like my Linkedin profile and asked me to proofread an e-book that he's writing. We came to the negotiation stage, which I quickly changed to "pay whatever you can" stage. I hastened to open a PayPal account. Note: Opening an account is quite simple, getting one verified? Not so much. The account got verified two days ago. The money (Rs. 4,250) got transferred from Seattle to my PayPal account yesterday and will come into my bank account in anywhere between "5-7 days depending on your bank's policies and holiday schedule".

I have precisely 10 days before I need to renew my car insurance. I should be stressed. But now I know that miracles do happen so I think I'm just going to enjoy the September rain.